Difficult Friendships
Friendship should be life-giving. You should walk away from your time with friends restored and full of encouragement and hope. However, not every relationship is like that. Certainly, there are seasons of difficulty in friendship: you lost your job and your friend just got promoted, or you are in a happy relationship while your friend is going through a break up. These instances deserve time and space and empathy.
But that’s not what I’m talking about today. Today I’m talking about friends who are “energy vampires.” They suck the life and energy out of you. They constantly complain, criticize you, or minimize your feelings. They discourage you from growth and pursuing healthy choices. They can’t find joy and squash other peoples’ joy.
How do we handle people like this?
I recommend boundaries and cutting people out of your life.
Let’s talk about cutting people out. This is hard for most people. “We’ve been friends so long!” “I should forgive them.” “They have had a hard life.” These are some of the things I have told myself when resisting cutting people out. I had a “best friend” who was selfish and toxic. She would call me almost every day and spew negativity at me. She was critical of me and minimized my accomplishments. It was very difficult to let go of our friendship. We had been friends for years. We could talk openly and honestly about work and life. We loved to travel and were both ambitious. Upon progressing through therapy, I learned how negativity and anger were affecting me. I wanted to be positive and calm. I could not be positive and calm while talking with this friend. Realizing this was heartbreaking, and I mourned the relationship for over 2 years. Now, I can see how much healthier and peaceful my life is without her. I wish peace and good things for her.
Sometimes we can’t cut people out. They are our family, our boss, our coworkers, etc. This is a great opportunity for the practice of boundary setting. I call it a practice because, as a people-pleaser, boundaries can be a lifelong effort: never finished, and always evolving. When you think about boundaries, we already have them everywhere. I don’t greet my pest control guy with a hug and a kiss. That would be weird. Boundaries are behaviors we choose that make ourselves and others more comfortable. For my family, I have a boundary that I won’t talk about politics. My family and I disagree passionately, and we can’t discuss it without hurting each other. So we don’t discuss it. If someone brings it up, I change the subject or say “let’s not talk about politics.” One of my coworkers loves to discuss her love life, but I don’t feel comfortable discussing my own love life. I listen and offer encouragement, but don’t share any details about myself.
There is a discussion happening in the world right now about cutting people out and boundaries. Oprah did a special on her podcast about kids going “no contact” with their parents. “No contact” and boundaries are often used in therapy as tools for protecting the self. Also, there are some that acknowledge that cutting people out and boundaries are unique to white people. White people, full of American individualism, often struggle with living in community with others. Other cultures may be better at living in community, and living in community requires tolerance of other people. People in conflict must repair to stay in the community, instead of removing themselves or others from the community. I would love to learn more about repairing as a means of healing a troubled relationship and staying in community.
My friend Jenna, the most non-toxic person ever. She was there for me during a difficult time, and she is just a joy to be around. Every moment with her made me fill more alive. We have lost touch, and writing about Friendship this month has motivated me to reach out. Wishing her so much love and peace.