Accepting What Is

I listened to the audiobook Loving What Is by Byron Katie. She offers a method of asking yourself 4 questions as a way of processing and understanding your negative thoughts, and then walks you through several examples from clients. This book truly unwound me. Her subjects were raw and honest and the frustration and pain was so relatable.  

Here is her 4 step to apply to your own thoughts:

1.      Is it true?

2.      Can you absolutely know that it is true?

3.      How does that thought make you feel?

4.      Who would you be without that thought?

There are many more parts to what she call “the work” of accepting reality for what it is, not what it should be. She argues that most of our pain comes from thoughts about the way things should be, not the way that they are.

I am currently working through accepting what happened in my most recent romantic relationship with a new counselor. My brain wants to go back in time and try to change the situation. My counselor helped me see that this is a way of self-criticizing. I believe if I had done better, said the right thing, been more calm, the situation would have changed. However, it won’t change. It is in the past. I did my best. Also, I remember the moments where I WAS calm and said the right thing, and that didn’t change the outcome, either. So what is the point of reliving the painful memories just to judge myself? I am hurting myself by not accepting what actually happened and wishing for what could have happened. 

I see that a key part of this work is abandoning what “should” be or what should have happened. He shouldn’t have been mean. She should have had empathy for me. They shouldn’t have behaved badly. However, this thought is what is causing my suffering. Hanging on to what is should have been is preventing healing and accepting. The reality is that he WAS mean, she did NOT have empathy, they DID behaved badly. I cannot go back in a time machine and fix it. It happened. I can grieve the past and accept it, but I cannot change it.

If you are embarking on this work of unpacking your negative thoughts in order to heal and grow, then I commend you. It is the hardest work I have done in my life, and it wouldn’t be possible without the excellent therapists in my life. I encourage you to work through this with a professional, and I celebrate that you are willing to feel discomfort knowing it will serve you in the long run.